I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
