Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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