We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
