her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
