Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
