george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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