have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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