I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize