Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sponge bath it is.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
