I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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