i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My penis needs a shock collar
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize