This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
