So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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