Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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