My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
