I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
