Plan B is the new Plan A
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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