you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
