it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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