I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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