I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
