Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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