Who did Billy Mays play for?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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