A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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