Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
