Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
