Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
