If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think my moral compass just broke
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