last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
