do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
