Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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