you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
