I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
