it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
