Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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