The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
