4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
