gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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