I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
