I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
