somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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