I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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