On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
