okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
