Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
