Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
