You just made me feel so damn special
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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