On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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