sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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