My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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