he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
