I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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