i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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