im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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