Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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