I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize