Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
