I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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