I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
