i think my tv is drunk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
